If you've attended college you know exactly what I'm talking about. This asshole will be in the front of the class waiting for every opportunity to ask a stupid question like a rapist waiting to pounce on an 18 year old in an alleyway. Whether he's adding his worthless input or wanting to go over an entire three hour lecture questioning every syllable, and after the professor tells him the answer he gets a look on his face like the first time a toddler discovered his penis. He has impeccable timing too, he has to try to start a debate at the last two minutes of class, holding everybody fifteen fucking minutes so he can reassure himself the most basic and simple concept that an amoeba could probably grasp with ease. He also doesn't notice everyone around him shaking their heads in disgust and giving him looks like they want his grandmother to be raped in front of him on Christmas. Afterwards he'll waltz out with his 500 pound backpack and do it in his next class. This guy is fucked.
Girls Clothes
This shit has got to stop. Since when are mom jeans, wrestling belts and skirts that go past your uterus cool? If you find yourself buttoning your jeans in between your tits maybe you should reconsider putting them on in the first place.
Look at this shit, unacceptable. Did you win Royal Rumble? Perhaps your a jedi? Did you borrow it from He-Man? I don't know who the fuck needs a belt for a dress, the logic behind it boggles my mind. The way it makes an extra set of love handles is a definite plus too. For the sake of my erection please take that shit off, the only person that can wear a belt that high and get away with it is Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Has it really come to this? I could really go a day without seeing a girl wearing pants like this, it's beyond camel toe, it's getting to the point where you can see fallopian tubes. If your pants are high enough and tight enough to the point where strangers can tell when you're ovulating perhaps you're overdoing it. You're not in the Brady Bunch and you're not Erkel, don't wear these. Why not just wear overalls? We all know why, because overalls are heinous and so are these pants. Girls clothes are fucked.
Jerk Dancing
Every race has it's faults, we all are human, we all make mistakes. I understand white people participate in shameful activities like Nascar fandom, Qua-ran burning, and infesting Walmarts everywhere with less then half a set of teeth for every eight people. I'm totally aware of this, but black people fuck up too. And recently they fucked up bad, in the form of jerk dancing. So apparently the shit that almost got me beat up in high school is cool now. That's right, wearing skin tight aqua pants and LA Gear high tops is totally acceptable. Not only do these kids have pairs of pastel pants and thigh high Nike's they seem to not be satisfied with how flamboyant they look, they need to dance like they're doing yoga during an epileptic seizure. What happened to days where black dudes did shit like play sports and get white girls pregnant? What happened to FuBu and velour suits? You guys haven't fucked up this bad since krumping. Put down the Zumiez gift card and the crayola covered jeans and do something tough, like crossing the street real slow while champin' a mild and starting fights with people you've never met. Jerk dancing is totally fucked.
Fantasy Sports
I swear as long as I live that I will never participate in anything as meaningless as fantasy sports. I wish I understood fantasy sports league better so I could ream them another asshole better, but alas I've decided to search for the understanding of fantasy sports would be tantamount to getting fucked in the ass to show people how secure in my sexuality I am. In other words, I already know how fucking stupid it is, I don't need it explained to me. But from what I've gathered from overhearing conversations is that people make a roster of other dudes and are awarded points based on their performance. If there is anything more homo erotic than hoping that men that you don't know do well in a sport where dudes pile on top of each other let me know. Basically this is Dungeons and Dragons for jocks and people who can't play actual sports so they have to live vicariously through other people like some type of masculine pageant mom.
The Guy Who Has To Tell Everything You Did When You Were Drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of my own piss next to a girl that looks like the before picture of liposuction commercial. My head feels like it was in a vice grip for six hours and hit with a sledge hammer, I can't find my shoes, car keys and smell like a homeless man's dying breath. The last thing I remember is the fact that I thought it was a good idea to chug Laird's and boxed wine. What could be worse than a hangover of this magnitude you ask? The asshole that drank three beers and has been up since 7 a.m. ,who is about to tell you all of the horrible things you did last night while you were blacked out. No matter how many times you tell him or her that you could go without the details of how much of an embarrassment you were last night they will not stop until they tell you every terrible second of your blackout. Not only do you have to live with a hangover that feels like you went through a chemo treatment but you have to live with yourself. The worst is waking up to find that you've have been calling and texting people you haven't spoke to in months demanding that they come to where you are at 4 a.m. and "hang out" with you. So thanks a lot asshole who had to tell me the stupid shit I did, I have something to think about when I'm shitting my pants and throwing up in my bed for the next eight hours. This whole situation is fucked.
