Kitchen Rage

Everybody at one point in time has experienced one of these instances. Experiencing these heinous and unbearable situations is worse than a needle up your cock, and if you can't relate you either have no sense of humor or an eating disorder, in other words you are worthless.


Cereal



Everybody loves cereal, it's fucking delicious. It's filled with sugar and marshmallows and there's cool fucking graphics and puzzles on the box. Fuck I'm getting hard just thinking about it. But with every thing good comes something 10 times worse to completely fuck you in the ass, with chains on it's cock.

Picture this scenario, you come home and you're hungry, you get out a bowl and some of your favorite cereal. Now, this cereals looking good, good enough that you wanna shove your dick in the box and give it your own special prize, you start pouring cereal into the bowl and your watering at the mouth like a pedophile at a water park. You then turn to your fridge, you open it and guess what? NO FUCKING MILK! The temptation, the horror, it's like bringing a drunk stripper home and still not getting laid. Or even worse there's not enough milk for the bowl you just poured, you could add water that would suck more. Better yet, expired milk, why the fuck is it in there? It's so fucking old it's about to evolve and walk the fuck out of your refrigerator. Who the fuck leaves old milk in there?

The next part is even worse, you have to put the cereal you had in the bowl back in the fucking bag. You start trying to pour the bowl in little by little, but the bags ripping and your fucking spilling cereal everywhere. It's also emotionally strenuous, you just had a nice bowl poured now you have to put it back in the box. That's like unwrapping all your Christmas presents and before you get to play with them your parents just fucking rip them out of your hands and take them back to the store, then they come back from returning your presents all fucking drunk and beat the shit out of you. It's that fucking bad.


Sandwiches



There's nothing in the world I enjoy more than a nice towering, unnecessary, mayonnaise impregnated sandwich. A good sandwich is perfect, but the road to perfection is a dangerous one, filled with cannibal rapists and Nazis that would like nothing more then for you not to have this perfect sandwich, these rapists and Nazis are the following circumstances.

First up and is quantity of cold cuts, know you now you just got a least a pound of everything you like on your sandwiches in your refrigerator, roast beef, cheese etc. Well what you didn't know is that two days later you return to find that your precious lunch resources have dwindled dramatically. You pull out the plastic packages to find you have a slice of roast beef and one slice of cheese. THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR A FUCKING SANDWICH! Seriously, what the fuck? What kind of sick fuck would leave that little amount of sandwich materials behind, it's like a killer leaving pieces of his victim at a crime scene. Just fucking take all of it, don't leave a reminder behind of my shattered sandwich dreams. And there was fucking pounds of meat, is a water buffalo makings these fucking sandwiches? Why the fuck did they find it necessary to use that much meat?

The next two things that always fuck things up are bread and mayonnaise. No I don't care what anyone says, a sandwich without mayonnaise is no sandwich at all. Seriously, I can't eat a dry sandwich without mayonnaise, I'd rather eat the crust around a homeless man's asshole after a watery diarrhea shit than eat a sandwich without fucking mayonnaise. And mustard is not an option, it's simply grotesque.

Then we got bread fucking things up big time. First I'd like to say wheat bread is for pussies and white bread is by far superior, any sandwich starting off with wheat bread is fucked from the start, just like a crack baby. Another thing about bread is mold. Bread's like ex-girl friends, you it leave alone for a while, and the next time you come back around they're diseased. And just like a herpes infested mouth, mold infested bread will wreck your shit.



Spicy Food



A small bit of spice is OK now and then, but often spicy foods go from spicy to lava piss. What the fuck is the point of food that burns the ever living shit out of your mouth and makes your eyes water? Do you enjoy having your mouth on fire with your asshole following suit shortly after? Your better of just spraying bear mace in your mouth. If the food is so spicy you can't taste it, then what good is it? Isn't that why we eat food? Because it tastes good.

All this 911 hot wings and other crazy fucking names like Thermo-Nuclear and Traditional Death? Do you really need to ingest something Thermo-Nuclear? What the fuck does that even mean? Was it soaked in toxic waste? Are you gonna get fucking super powers from eating it? And Traditional Death, that's just fucking silly, who the fuck names something that? What's next Lethal Injection Doritos? I won't be surprised if some asshole starts marinating gorilla after birth in septic tanks and started selling it on the grounds that it's spicy. Some dumb fuck would it eat and pretend to like it just because it's spicy.




Hope you enjoyed it, it was a lot of fun to write. Leave me some comments telling me what you think.

Things From My Childhood That Were Fucking Retarded.

While reminiscing the other day on my early years of life, I came to the conclusion that many things from my childhood were fucking retarded, and made me the bitter sarcastic miserable asshole that I am today. Here's a couple of things that made me wish I were rubbed into a napkin than actually be conceived.

T.V. Shows and Commercials.

I remember as a wee drooling lad watching hours of Nickelodeon, awesome shows like Pete and Pete or Kablam and what have you I really enjoyed but then there were others that made me want to stick my cock into a hornet's nest.

Legends of The Hidden Temple


The premise of this show is a bunch of mongoloids dress up like assholes in shirts that have some animal on it like "The Red Snakes" or some shit like that. Then they are put through hardships similar to that of a Vietnamese prison camp, like running from boulders and swinging through vines and all this bullshit. After that the fun continues when some pedophile rock wall asks you impossible history questions. Seriously, these kids were eating play-doh and shitting themselves before they were on this show, how the fuck are they supposed to answer these questions? But, the fun continues, after you get through all the shitty obstacles courses you get to the final temple where the show really goes in the shitter.

The whole point is to get through the temple and put together this monkey, but Olmek the child molesting rock wall hasn't made things too easy for you, he's filled the temple with registered sex offenders that grab the children and take them into a dark room where they are gang raped and skull fucked. Another retarded thing is how badly these kids manage to fuck this up, not only do they watch their team mate go before them into the rape maze, but you know they watch the show every fucking day at home, and what happens when they make past the sexual predators and into the shrine of the silver monkey where they have to assemble it? You guessed it, they fuck up again. The monkey is made out of 3 fucking pieces, and they still can't put it together, what the fuck is wrong with these kids. Then when finally when one of short bus shitheads assembles the monkey you get the wonderful prize package. This is the piss icing on the 3 layer vomit shit cake, the fucking prizes aren't even cool fun shit that kids want like Gak and Moonboots and all the shit Nickelodeon was making at the the time, these poor kids where winning half sets of encyclopedias and pencil toppers.

Another fucked up thing is how the host stares at the camera, the stare is similar to that of a man who dresses up in women's clothing and covers him self in his own feces and jerks off to his parents wedding video.

Capri Sun Commercials

These commercials were just completely fucked, it was usually a bunch of kids hanging out on the beach and they stumble upon a cooler of this clear, impossible to open pouch bullshit, (I seriously remember almost giving myself the marks of the stigmata trying to open these fuckers, the straw was fucking sharper than an ice pick and i still couldn't get it into that fucking hole.) And without and second though these dumb fuckers just drink this shit, but here's where the commercial gets all fucky and screwey, these kids aren't selling you some bullshit line about how great it tastes or how refreshing it is, they just turn straight into the Terminator from Terminator 2 and start surfing their asses off and fly away into the cosmos. Now this leads me to think one of 2 things, either this drink is so bad ass it makes you turn into the Terminator or these kids just drank Capris Sun that was laced with a metric fuck ton of acid.

Pokemon


Any normal kid that wasn't raised in a tribe of snake worshiping Ethiopians that drink malaria water in Africa know and loved Pokemon as a kid. Everybody had the cards and video games and all that shit ( I got a knife pulled on me for my mother fucking Charazard. That's how serious this shit was.) All of this seems fine and dandy as pre-pubescent trend hopping asshole, but when you take a look back Pokemon was a really cruel and unusual story. The main character Ash is about the ripe age of 8 when he says "Fuck you mom, I'm going to wander around the world and be a Pokemaster." In all reality Pokemon is a giant dick waving contest of how many harmless animals you could enslave and torture by fighting with other Pokemaster degenerate vagabond assholes. The goal of a Pokemaster is too enslave at least one of every pokemon, how fucked is that? Let me put an animal in a ball and only let it out when I want to fight it to death with some other poor animal.

There were also some weird things going on with Brock, was it just me or is he the horniest mother fucker alive? Every time he sees Nurse Joy or some other blue haired bimbo, he makes some face like he's creaming his jeans and gets all fucking creeper on them. And why did it seem like Charazard had a bit of a heroin problem, homeboy was fucking nodding out and half sleep when Ash wanted him to beat the shit out of another Pokemon.

Pokemon Snap also lets you peg Pokemon in the face with apples and let you photograph their misery, but enough about that because Pokemon Snap is still fucking rad.

Toys

Tamagachis and Digimon


All of you remember these had to have fighting monster pieces of shit. The concept is great, it's a little animal (which again is enslaved by you) and you sit there all day and shake the thing and clean up his shit and feed him. It was cool the first 3 hours you had it and then it, like everything else in your childhood, fucks you over and makes you less of a human being. First off the thing just sits there and shits itself for like 2 hours and then when you go to sleep and you wake up to feed your little monster he's not there, in his place is a huge pile of steaming shit, just like your dead beat father in real life your Digimon has left you in your sleep and left nothing but a pile of shit for you to deal with. Anyone that can put up this impossible to care for piece of shit is also welcomed by another surprise, your battery dying. This is no AA or AAA battery either, it's one of those impossible to find hearing aid fuckers that an 8 year old will never acquire, that's childhood's way of toughening you up for when your older where your dreams will be shattered much like how you felt the day your Digimon left and then the fucking battery died on it.


Sock'em Boopers


These inflatable life ruiners have terrorized kids for a while now. I remember me and my older brother got pairs of these blow up abominations for Christmas one year, I remember reading the slogan on the box (More fun than a pillow fight!!!) and being excited to test them out. Seconds after blowing them up and putting them on I was getting this shit beat out of me by my brother, this was not funner than a pillow fight by any means, funner than the Holocaust? Yes. Funner than being gang raped in prison? Yes. But funner than a pillow fight? I don't fucking think so, what type of sadomasochistic fuck invited these pieces of shit, these were made so kids could beat the fuck out of other kids and it be social acceptable. Fuck Sock'em Boppers, they make your hands sweaty anyway.


That's it for now, hope you guys enjoy. Shout out to SORAD who has waited patiently for this.

People That Need To Die

Fuck the funny introduction, here are a list of people that need to die. These are the type of people that you feel embarrassed for, the people you avoid in public, and the people that make you wish that you were a blowjob instead of actually being conceived. In other words, I'd rather activate a bear trap with my ball sack than spend more then 2 minutes with these people.



1. Bluetooth People/ Stupid Fucking Chirp Phone People.



You might see one of these people and think " Hmmm... secret service agent, Star Trek character, member of a boy band?" No, it's just some asshole that needs to constantly be talking to some other Bluetooth fuck head about nothing. The day I need a neon blue tampon strapped to my fucking ear and babbling incessantly is the same day I need to rip my fucking ear off, Bluetooth still attached and shove it up my pisshole sideways, afterward walking directly in oncoming traffic.



First of all you look like you bought your phone from Home Depot, look at the fucking thing, It looks like it's about to turn into a fucking Transformer. But that's not the end of it, then these people have worthless conversations, like more worthless than people in wheelchairs. The conversations are usually along these lines. *Chirp* "YO....AYO!!!" *Chirp* YO MUUHHFUGEN NOTHIN YO, WHAT CHU DOIN?!"*Chirp* " I'm jus sittin' here, with a chirping phone, screaming in public like an asshole, by the way my phones hanging from a fucking string on my neck." Why can't these people just call each other, do you really want someone screaming at you at all times of the day? Instead of sitting near the food court of Monmouth Mall cursing all day, you should take your glorified walkie-talkie and fuck off. Maybe move into the wilderness and stop bothering humanity.

2. Guidos



Oh my fucking god, where do I start? First of all these people look like they take naps in tanning beds, they're literally orange, almost like the Simpsons. Second of all, they have large groups of men jerk off furiously into their hair to make it stand up in a giant jizz crusted spike. Then they wear shirts that are fucking tighter than rash guards, because nothing screams macho like a Baby Gap sized t-shirt covered in glitter and tigers, fucking morons. When will they realize that people in Italy aren't wearing lip gloss and waxing their eyebrows? These people pollute the Joisey Shure, they pump their fists not their gas, and dance horribly to the worst techno music, what do they offer to society? Nothing, that's why we should send them to the sun.


3. Dog The Bounty Hunter's Wife



Besides for making a family of inbred backwood incestuous barbarians that look like the people from The Hills Have Eyes, you've done one other thing. You've made Hawaii look like a giant floating trailer park. Take your husband that looks like a homeless Walker Texas Ranger and your tits that look like garbage bags full of cottage cheese and hop into one of those volcanoes, thanks.

4.Mall Kids



These assholes sit outside of the mall and chain smoke, and just overall annoy the fuck out of everyone. Why do they come to the mall? Vampires don't hang outside of Lenscrafters and try to bum cigarettes. I'm gonna lynch one of these fuckers with their Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie they've been wearing for 3 years or maybe I could kill a few more by putting landmines near some Newports and a My Chemical Romance CD.

5.People That Tag Me In These Pictures...

So, you log on Facebook and this happens...





Holy fuck, 70 notifications, that's so cool. Let me check them out....



It's all picture comments from a bunch of random fuckheads I don't know and I've been tagged in a picture with them. Let me go see this picture...



Fuck my life. It's a bunch of people going LULZ I'm the Cool Guy or The Tall Guy.

The next time one of you scumbags tags me in these, don't tag me as the Funny Guy or the Angry One, tag me as The One That's Doing 25 To Life In A Maximum Security Prison For Beating Me To Death With A Shovel.

Hope you guys enjoyed. Shout out to Tit.

Things That Piss Me Off Part 1 of Infinty

Besides for pizza and blowjobs there are a few and far in between things that don't piss me off. And were not talking about kinda mad, I'm talking about fucking irate. Here are a few things that make me wanna jerk off with sandpaper.

#1 Left turns in New Jersey
Is this a fucking joke, is it possible? Seriously, every left turn in New Jersey is a gigantic cluster fuck, a jug handle and left turn signal gang bang of AIDS cocks that cum blood in to your eyes as you wait 15 fucking minutes to make a fucking left turn. And what in the fuck is Asbury Circle, it's a direct relative of the Bermuda Triangle and with similar rules. As soon as you enter your fucked, it's a fucking free for all, no fucking lanes, turns all over the fuck place and the signs are completely fucked, the only thing that makes less sense than Asbury Circle is Scientology.


#2 Constant Facebook Status Updates

If I really gave half ( not even a whole) flying fuck about you watching Dancing With The Stars, I would ask you about it. Or how about the simple period. Wow bro real original, your fucking original and so deep. Please fuck off and stop recording your every waking moment as your Facebook status.

#3 Twisty Ties

Hey you know really makes me wish I were giving a bus aid a rim job? Losing twisty ties. It's fucking impossible to keep track of these little fuckers. You take them off a loaf of bread or some shit and the next thing you know BAM fucking gone. The real kick in the balls is that twisty ties are usually bright fucking red, why can't they have that plastic tabs like english muffins? Twisty ties are completely fucked and so is your bread because it's going to be stale now.

#4 The Inkwell

Fuck man, I really don't even know where to start with this one. First, off it's a wooden shit hole with 3 fucking parking spaces that's always packed. Packed with the worst people, who you ask?
Ex-girlfriends, lame kids that you graduated with, mall kids ( they have to chain smoke some where when the mall closes) and usually the fucktard that dragged you there at 11 o'clock of a shitty boring night. To make matters worse, your waitress is some ugly meth addict cunt that looks at you like your covered in dog shit brings you to your table that's fucking old and creaky. No seriously, the table from the last supper was divided in sections and used for the Inkwell's seating, that's how fucking old they are. Make sure you grab a board game to because the person you probably went with is most likely a complete fucktard since they brought you there in the first place and Candy Land might seem like an advanced and challenging game to them. Next your ugly druggie scumbag bitch cunt waitress throws the menu you at you. Now you can decide between which shitty coffee you want to pay $7 for and what grilled cheese you'd like to spend your college savings on. Finally, your food gets here, and you know what makes matters worse, you can't see your shitty over priced food because the Inkwell is pitch fucking black at all times, like Akon black. After your done eating leave a shitty tip and start walking, not walking to your car, walk straight to the ocean and drown yourself because you spent $40 at the shittiest- uppity wanna- be -Brooklyn- pretentious -coffee house in existence.


And because I love the 2 people that probably mad it this far through my rant, I'm interviewing my friends for my blog. So, if you want to be interviewed tell me.

Justin White's Guide To Fail Branch Part 1: Eating

Long Branch, what a crock of fucking shit. There really isn't jack shit to do in Long Branch, you can go to the beach( that you have to fucking pay for, fuck that), walk around West End which is some half ass wannabe downtown area. Pier Village is in Long Branch too, Pier Village is the worst shit ever, the stores all fucking suck, the people there are all assholes from New York who drive like they're blindfolded. So given that there's nothing to do besides walk around and be a townie and talk about the shitty football team and how many times you ate at La Scalla's and all that faggotry, you can do what most people do when there's nothing else to do. Drink. The first part of my guide is what to do in Long Branch when your drunk. By nature when your drunk there are three things you want to do: Fight, Fuck, and Feast.

I'll cover the fighting and feasting part, I'm a cock but not enough of one to brag about getting pussy while I'm drunk on the internet. So, for feasting there are three prime spots in Long Branch. West Long Branch Mc Donald's is like the fucking super bowl of drunk eating. At any given night that creepy ass asian bitch that's been working there for 36 years and a whole cast of drunken fucktards will be there. We got a full casts of Natty Ice sipping, Hot 97 listening to jocks, the stoners, the spanish kids that have knives( most likely) and probably you. What makes this spot so special? While your eating your shitty $1 cheeseburger you can get to the next step of your drunken escapade, which is to naturally pick a fight. The dirty looks start happening, the nice fucking pants comment goes down, and then there's a small confrontation and that's about it. No one actually fights.


Next up is Jr's. This place has really bitching food, it's like a cooler version of the Windmill and I'm pretty sure the guy with red hair that works there is always a couple tabs of acid deep into a really good trip. The drawback of this place, is two things. One, being that you might have to take out a loan to eat there and second being that it's next to the lamest bar of all time, The Mix. The crowd is a bit different from the Micky D's scene, more stoners and Ed Hardy wearing douche bags from the Mix. There's usually a couple of guidos there too, with their sharp hair, spray tans and button down shirts( cause people from Italy look like that.). All in all nothing to say about Jr's besides the cheese fries are good and there's always cougars you can hit on.


The last place is the most common, sitting on a couch at a party or at the house your passing out at ordering ( drum roll please) Nelly's. Ordering Nelly's is a ritual, first you have to find the unlucky motherfucker that calls. Most people hit you with the bullshit line " I don't have the number there." Everyone from Long Branch has that number, it's like bellybuttons, everybody's got that shit. The next part is dealing with the bitch on the phone when your drunk and ordering. I can't name a Nelly's ordering session without someone fucking up the address at least 3 times. After you order X amount of Fat Blunts and a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, the shitty part happens. The half hour wait, your friends are bitching and all that. Finally the dude arrives and you and your drunk ass friends are fumbling crumpled up currency and saying " fuck that, that shit took an hour no tip." after that you unwrap you heart attack on a bun from its wax paper bullet and eat it like you spent that last week starving in the desert.


That covers eating in Long Branch, join me next week for the next part of the guide.

Fuck New Year's Eve

Fuck New Year's Eve. Fuck it, fuck it in it's confetti throwing, champagne drinking, horning blowing ass with scissors taped to your cock. Most people get shithammered drunk and end up starting off the new year with regret. I however, did not get drunk, I was the designated fucking driver. My car sucks so fucking bad and I have to drive around a bunch of fucking drunk mongoloids. No one could imagine the amount of rage I was going through that night as I sat sober having people scream in my face. I'd rather experience Auschwitz than go through it again.



This is my mating call. Get on my fuckstick.

Holy fucking high waters. Flood advisory in affect.

The same rules applies to all women, make a sandwich or fuck off.

I'd rather watch gay porn than talk to this girl. She had the IQ of a used colostomy bag.

Registered sex offender.

If my nose gets any bigger New Jersey is gonna fall into the ocean.