I'll cover the fighting and feasting part, I'm a cock but not enough of one to brag about getting pussy while I'm drunk on the internet. So, for feasting there are three prime spots in Long Branch. West Long Branch Mc Donald's is like the fucking super bowl of drunk eating. At any given night that creepy ass asian bitch that's been working there for 36 years and a whole cast of drunken fucktards will be there. We got a full casts of Natty Ice sipping, Hot 97 listening to jocks, the stoners, the spanish kids that have knives( most likely) and probably you. What makes this spot so special? While your eating your shitty $1 cheeseburger you can get to the next step of your drunken escapade, which is to naturally pick a fight. The dirty looks start happening, the nice fucking pants comment goes down, and then there's a small confrontation and that's about it. No one actually fights.
Next up is Jr's. This place has really bitching food, it's like a cooler version of the Windmill and I'm pretty sure the guy with red hair that works there is always a couple tabs of acid deep into a really good trip. The drawback of this place, is two things. One, being that you might have to take out a loan to eat there and second being that it's next to the lamest bar of all time, The Mix. The crowd is a bit different from the Micky D's scene, more stoners and Ed Hardy wearing douche bags from the Mix. There's usually a couple of guidos there too, with their sharp hair, spray tans and button down shirts( cause people from Italy look like that.). All in all nothing to say about Jr's besides the cheese fries are good and there's always cougars you can hit on.
The last place is the most common, sitting on a couch at a party or at the house your passing out at ordering ( drum roll please) Nelly's. Ordering Nelly's is a ritual, first you have to find the unlucky motherfucker that calls. Most people hit you with the bullshit line " I don't have the number there." Everyone from Long Branch has that number, it's like bellybuttons, everybody's got that shit. The next part is dealing with the bitch on the phone when your drunk and ordering. I can't name a Nelly's ordering session without someone fucking up the address at least 3 times. After you order X amount of Fat Blunts and a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, the shitty part happens. The half hour wait, your friends are bitching and all that. Finally the dude arrives and you and your drunk ass friends are fumbling crumpled up currency and saying " fuck that, that shit took an hour no tip." after that you unwrap you heart attack on a bun from its wax paper bullet and eat it like you spent that last week starving in the desert.
That covers eating in Long Branch, join me next week for the next part of the guide.
