Things From My Childhood That Were Fucking Retarded.

While reminiscing the other day on my early years of life, I came to the conclusion that many things from my childhood were fucking retarded, and made me the bitter sarcastic miserable asshole that I am today. Here's a couple of things that made me wish I were rubbed into a napkin than actually be conceived.

T.V. Shows and Commercials.

I remember as a wee drooling lad watching hours of Nickelodeon, awesome shows like Pete and Pete or Kablam and what have you I really enjoyed but then there were others that made me want to stick my cock into a hornet's nest.

Legends of The Hidden Temple


The premise of this show is a bunch of mongoloids dress up like assholes in shirts that have some animal on it like "The Red Snakes" or some shit like that. Then they are put through hardships similar to that of a Vietnamese prison camp, like running from boulders and swinging through vines and all this bullshit. After that the fun continues when some pedophile rock wall asks you impossible history questions. Seriously, these kids were eating play-doh and shitting themselves before they were on this show, how the fuck are they supposed to answer these questions? But, the fun continues, after you get through all the shitty obstacles courses you get to the final temple where the show really goes in the shitter.

The whole point is to get through the temple and put together this monkey, but Olmek the child molesting rock wall hasn't made things too easy for you, he's filled the temple with registered sex offenders that grab the children and take them into a dark room where they are gang raped and skull fucked. Another retarded thing is how badly these kids manage to fuck this up, not only do they watch their team mate go before them into the rape maze, but you know they watch the show every fucking day at home, and what happens when they make past the sexual predators and into the shrine of the silver monkey where they have to assemble it? You guessed it, they fuck up again. The monkey is made out of 3 fucking pieces, and they still can't put it together, what the fuck is wrong with these kids. Then when finally when one of short bus shitheads assembles the monkey you get the wonderful prize package. This is the piss icing on the 3 layer vomit shit cake, the fucking prizes aren't even cool fun shit that kids want like Gak and Moonboots and all the shit Nickelodeon was making at the the time, these poor kids where winning half sets of encyclopedias and pencil toppers.

Another fucked up thing is how the host stares at the camera, the stare is similar to that of a man who dresses up in women's clothing and covers him self in his own feces and jerks off to his parents wedding video.

Capri Sun Commercials

These commercials were just completely fucked, it was usually a bunch of kids hanging out on the beach and they stumble upon a cooler of this clear, impossible to open pouch bullshit, (I seriously remember almost giving myself the marks of the stigmata trying to open these fuckers, the straw was fucking sharper than an ice pick and i still couldn't get it into that fucking hole.) And without and second though these dumb fuckers just drink this shit, but here's where the commercial gets all fucky and screwey, these kids aren't selling you some bullshit line about how great it tastes or how refreshing it is, they just turn straight into the Terminator from Terminator 2 and start surfing their asses off and fly away into the cosmos. Now this leads me to think one of 2 things, either this drink is so bad ass it makes you turn into the Terminator or these kids just drank Capris Sun that was laced with a metric fuck ton of acid.

Pokemon


Any normal kid that wasn't raised in a tribe of snake worshiping Ethiopians that drink malaria water in Africa know and loved Pokemon as a kid. Everybody had the cards and video games and all that shit ( I got a knife pulled on me for my mother fucking Charazard. That's how serious this shit was.) All of this seems fine and dandy as pre-pubescent trend hopping asshole, but when you take a look back Pokemon was a really cruel and unusual story. The main character Ash is about the ripe age of 8 when he says "Fuck you mom, I'm going to wander around the world and be a Pokemaster." In all reality Pokemon is a giant dick waving contest of how many harmless animals you could enslave and torture by fighting with other Pokemaster degenerate vagabond assholes. The goal of a Pokemaster is too enslave at least one of every pokemon, how fucked is that? Let me put an animal in a ball and only let it out when I want to fight it to death with some other poor animal.

There were also some weird things going on with Brock, was it just me or is he the horniest mother fucker alive? Every time he sees Nurse Joy or some other blue haired bimbo, he makes some face like he's creaming his jeans and gets all fucking creeper on them. And why did it seem like Charazard had a bit of a heroin problem, homeboy was fucking nodding out and half sleep when Ash wanted him to beat the shit out of another Pokemon.

Pokemon Snap also lets you peg Pokemon in the face with apples and let you photograph their misery, but enough about that because Pokemon Snap is still fucking rad.

Toys

Tamagachis and Digimon


All of you remember these had to have fighting monster pieces of shit. The concept is great, it's a little animal (which again is enslaved by you) and you sit there all day and shake the thing and clean up his shit and feed him. It was cool the first 3 hours you had it and then it, like everything else in your childhood, fucks you over and makes you less of a human being. First off the thing just sits there and shits itself for like 2 hours and then when you go to sleep and you wake up to feed your little monster he's not there, in his place is a huge pile of steaming shit, just like your dead beat father in real life your Digimon has left you in your sleep and left nothing but a pile of shit for you to deal with. Anyone that can put up this impossible to care for piece of shit is also welcomed by another surprise, your battery dying. This is no AA or AAA battery either, it's one of those impossible to find hearing aid fuckers that an 8 year old will never acquire, that's childhood's way of toughening you up for when your older where your dreams will be shattered much like how you felt the day your Digimon left and then the fucking battery died on it.


Sock'em Boopers


These inflatable life ruiners have terrorized kids for a while now. I remember me and my older brother got pairs of these blow up abominations for Christmas one year, I remember reading the slogan on the box (More fun than a pillow fight!!!) and being excited to test them out. Seconds after blowing them up and putting them on I was getting this shit beat out of me by my brother, this was not funner than a pillow fight by any means, funner than the Holocaust? Yes. Funner than being gang raped in prison? Yes. But funner than a pillow fight? I don't fucking think so, what type of sadomasochistic fuck invited these pieces of shit, these were made so kids could beat the fuck out of other kids and it be social acceptable. Fuck Sock'em Boppers, they make your hands sweaty anyway.


That's it for now, hope you guys enjoy. Shout out to SORAD who has waited patiently for this.