Kitchen Rage

Everybody at one point in time has experienced one of these instances. Experiencing these heinous and unbearable situations is worse than a needle up your cock, and if you can't relate you either have no sense of humor or an eating disorder, in other words you are worthless.


Cereal



Everybody loves cereal, it's fucking delicious. It's filled with sugar and marshmallows and there's cool fucking graphics and puzzles on the box. Fuck I'm getting hard just thinking about it. But with every thing good comes something 10 times worse to completely fuck you in the ass, with chains on it's cock.

Picture this scenario, you come home and you're hungry, you get out a bowl and some of your favorite cereal. Now, this cereals looking good, good enough that you wanna shove your dick in the box and give it your own special prize, you start pouring cereal into the bowl and your watering at the mouth like a pedophile at a water park. You then turn to your fridge, you open it and guess what? NO FUCKING MILK! The temptation, the horror, it's like bringing a drunk stripper home and still not getting laid. Or even worse there's not enough milk for the bowl you just poured, you could add water that would suck more. Better yet, expired milk, why the fuck is it in there? It's so fucking old it's about to evolve and walk the fuck out of your refrigerator. Who the fuck leaves old milk in there?

The next part is even worse, you have to put the cereal you had in the bowl back in the fucking bag. You start trying to pour the bowl in little by little, but the bags ripping and your fucking spilling cereal everywhere. It's also emotionally strenuous, you just had a nice bowl poured now you have to put it back in the box. That's like unwrapping all your Christmas presents and before you get to play with them your parents just fucking rip them out of your hands and take them back to the store, then they come back from returning your presents all fucking drunk and beat the shit out of you. It's that fucking bad.


Sandwiches



There's nothing in the world I enjoy more than a nice towering, unnecessary, mayonnaise impregnated sandwich. A good sandwich is perfect, but the road to perfection is a dangerous one, filled with cannibal rapists and Nazis that would like nothing more then for you not to have this perfect sandwich, these rapists and Nazis are the following circumstances.

First up and is quantity of cold cuts, know you now you just got a least a pound of everything you like on your sandwiches in your refrigerator, roast beef, cheese etc. Well what you didn't know is that two days later you return to find that your precious lunch resources have dwindled dramatically. You pull out the plastic packages to find you have a slice of roast beef and one slice of cheese. THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR A FUCKING SANDWICH! Seriously, what the fuck? What kind of sick fuck would leave that little amount of sandwich materials behind, it's like a killer leaving pieces of his victim at a crime scene. Just fucking take all of it, don't leave a reminder behind of my shattered sandwich dreams. And there was fucking pounds of meat, is a water buffalo makings these fucking sandwiches? Why the fuck did they find it necessary to use that much meat?

The next two things that always fuck things up are bread and mayonnaise. No I don't care what anyone says, a sandwich without mayonnaise is no sandwich at all. Seriously, I can't eat a dry sandwich without mayonnaise, I'd rather eat the crust around a homeless man's asshole after a watery diarrhea shit than eat a sandwich without fucking mayonnaise. And mustard is not an option, it's simply grotesque.

Then we got bread fucking things up big time. First I'd like to say wheat bread is for pussies and white bread is by far superior, any sandwich starting off with wheat bread is fucked from the start, just like a crack baby. Another thing about bread is mold. Bread's like ex-girl friends, you it leave alone for a while, and the next time you come back around they're diseased. And just like a herpes infested mouth, mold infested bread will wreck your shit.



Spicy Food



A small bit of spice is OK now and then, but often spicy foods go from spicy to lava piss. What the fuck is the point of food that burns the ever living shit out of your mouth and makes your eyes water? Do you enjoy having your mouth on fire with your asshole following suit shortly after? Your better of just spraying bear mace in your mouth. If the food is so spicy you can't taste it, then what good is it? Isn't that why we eat food? Because it tastes good.

All this 911 hot wings and other crazy fucking names like Thermo-Nuclear and Traditional Death? Do you really need to ingest something Thermo-Nuclear? What the fuck does that even mean? Was it soaked in toxic waste? Are you gonna get fucking super powers from eating it? And Traditional Death, that's just fucking silly, who the fuck names something that? What's next Lethal Injection Doritos? I won't be surprised if some asshole starts marinating gorilla after birth in septic tanks and started selling it on the grounds that it's spicy. Some dumb fuck would it eat and pretend to like it just because it's spicy.




Hope you enjoyed it, it was a lot of fun to write. Leave me some comments telling me what you think.